Mother's Day, March 18th this year, was not a good day. I had been expecting to spend it with the little man and his daddy. A trip to the park perhaps, or lunch out. Instead while they were downstairs playing, I was upstairs having a miscarriage. On Mother's Day. As Alanis Morissette so eloquently put it, how ironic.
I had been bleeding for about a week before that and, concerned, we had arranged for an early scan. Looking back, I should have known the outcome before the technician gently told us. Without noticing, I had slowly stopped feeling pregnant. I love brocolli but can't stand even the smell of it when pregnant. I was eating it again, and the feelings of sickness had gone. But still it was a shock. I was coming up to nine weeks into the pregnancy and we were excited. I had even fished out some of my old maternity clothes.
Although it was early days, I had decided to tell family and friends our happy news and, despite now having to break it to them that things hadn't worked out, I knew my decision had been the right one. It was exactly as I had wanted it to be - I was going through this loss and I didn't want friends to ask how I was and have to reply with the usual "Oh fine" when I was anything but. I am not saying I was distraught - it was early, it happens to so many - but I was sad and disappointed. So very disappointed. And it helped being able to talk about it. I discovered I wasn't alone, by any means. Many revealed that they had been through the same, which was a comfort, especially as they had gone on to have more children.
And that is my main concern. We have a son. We love having a son and we want more like him. Having got so far only to have it taken away, the urge to be pregnant, to feel sick, to start hating my greens and to have the bump I was so looking forward to welcoming back again, is stronger than ever.
I was waiting to tell my story, hoping for the happy ending of a
burgeoning belly to round it off nicely, but actually that isn't the
point. The reason for sharing this isn't about future pregnancies but so that someone might read this who is going through the same thing and they will know that they are not alone. A fellow mummy blogger revealed a similar story and is now 30 weeks pregnant. That is the kind of shared story that lifts my spirits if they need lifting. I hope, one day, I can pass on the favour.
It's not easy to share a story like this. I am certain that one day (if not already), someone in the blogosphere will come across your post and feel comforted. I do hope and pray that very soon you'll be getting those symptoms again, when the time is right x
ReplyDeleteThanks Suzanne - I hope so too. x
DeleteSuch a brave post. It isn't easy to share this stuff. But I do believe doing so helps to break down the taboos that have and still do surround miscarriage - and particularly talking about it. Really hope you get your happy ending soon. x
ReplyDeleteThanks - I did have to hold my breath and close my eyes before pressing send on this post. x
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Sian xx
ReplyDeleteAn incredibly brave post, thank you for sharing x
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind message. x
DeleteI am so sorry to read of your loss. I suffered miscarriages before both of my boys and, although they were early, reading of yours brings it all back. I am one example of someone who has gone on to have children regardless, so please take heart and keep hope in it. I'm sure your time will come. XXX PS. I love your blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your lovely comment (and for following). It is a comfort to read when others have been through the same and have gone on to have more kiddies - fingers crossed! It must have been so hard for you having the miscarriages before you had any children. Having the little man has helped enormously and it has made me realise how lucky I am to have just one!
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